How can I forgive and forget my Inlaws lack of compassion when my father died?
My husband was in Alaska at the time with the National Guard and he was unable to make it home for my father's burial because he was in such a remote area. My inlaws were aware of everything that was going on and knew I was enduring a great deal of stress. My dad was under hospice care and in terrible pain, it was hard on me and my 11 and 2 year old girls. We and the inlaws were pretty close at the time in despite of their ridiculous ways and ongoing marital dramas...But to get to the point, my inlaws never even stopped by to check on me and the kids after my dad died! My mother inlaw even used the old 'jury duty' excuse in response when my husband told her on the phone that my dad had died and funeral arrangements were being made. She said she'd send flowers (but never did)...I was there for their family funerals and problems and yet the response I get from them is NOTHING, then excuses, and then his mom lies about me, then downplays that she lied... What do I do? How should I feel
How abandoned and hurt this must have made you feel! It seems to me that we have left behind a lot of the traditional ways of supporting those who lose a loved one. Those traditions helped people to know what to do. And, without them, a lot of people feel extremely awkward about handling the emotions surrounding a death.
Chances are, your in-laws' failure to give you the support you needed was due to their lack of comfort with your emotional state and just plain not knowing what to do or say. I'm not excusing them - when it comes to those we love, we should fight through our discomfort and at least try. But I would like you to know that it doesn't mean they don't care about you.
It would be nice if you could have a quiet, non-confrontational conversation with them about this. Tell them that you just want to tell them what you needed, so that they will know should something like this arise again. Explain to them that their support is important to you because they are your family. I sure hope they're big enough to admit that they blew it. If they do, hun, you have to forgive and move on.
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